Our gracious host La-La introduces the rejects, all of whom look like they've been forced to return to their jobs at Blockbuster, Wa-Wa, the DMV, and so on, after a brief hiatus spent trying to make something of their ''fame'' from the show. Sadly, no one announced that after seeing themselves on the show they had returned (or ventured into for the first time) to school to better themselves and society. Meanwhile, Heat and 12-pack started a metrosexual-guys-gone-wild two-man show! But more on that later.
Rico, Pootie, and Jersey were no-shows. La-La gave us a hint as to their whereabouts - ''one is on crutches, one has issues, and one is in jail.'' Um, I'd pin all three on Pootie, but I'm perplexed regarding Rico. Still waiting for that phone call. And who gives an f about Jersey. Snooze.
On to the show.
La-La introduces New York who looks like a reject from the search for the new pussycat doll. The first cast-off to be put in the ''hot seat'' is Romance, who resembles Pepi Lapieu/Cruella Deville/a Jackass/etc. to the tee. I'm still not sure why he brought his man-bag with him on the stage. Then again, I wouldn't trust those fools either.
Instead of going through all of the drama - it was the same basic stuff as any reunion show -- the Real World, Road Rules, FOL, Surreal Life, Cheers -- everyone yells and talks about how great they're doing now, even though they're still trying to figure out how to pay their tax bill; there are random fights and craziness.
Here are my highlights --
Boston's twin brother fools everybody including New York. That was kind of pointless and boring. Oh and Boston's new girlfriend Pumpkin, a reject from FOL and one of the stars of Charm School (which premiered right after the Reunion show) made an appearace just to piss off New York, and of course promote CS. That was really cheap of VH1. The producers are just getting plain lazy with their product placement. Jeez.
Back to Heat and 12-pack's brilliant idea of starting a guys-gone-wild party show that tours ''the nation and the country.'' Sigh. I'm sure they could make much more money just touring fire island and san fran, but cest la vie.
The biggest highlight of the night was not surprisingly...Real's hair! I mean really. It needs its own show. ''I Love Real's Hair''. And 12 lucky hair-challenged ladies get to vy for the chance to own all of those luscious locks at the end of the show. Each week they'd receive a track. Let me hurry up and write this review so I can submit my proposal to VH1.
The above picture is of the ''Stallionaires'' - Chance, The Luscious Locks, and their brother, Michah. I wonder why he didn't go on the show too. He's not that cute, but I'd bet my next paycheck his hair is number one in the wave department like his brother's.
Tango dumps New York explaining that he went on the show to get to know Tiffany, and what he got was New York. Um, did he not read the name of the show? Hello. But that was all b.s. He was just salty because NY and Sister P called Tango's mom fat and old. I'd re-neg on my proposal too. Good call T.
What I want to know is - where the hell is Flav? He made not one appearace before the show, during the show, or at the reunion. What the hell. I suppose family court takes up a lot his time these days.
Loves ya!
-KelleBelle
Season Finale (Posted 4/3/07)
Season Finale time. Let's get to it.
Chance, Tango, and New York hop a plane and head down to what appears to be Chamo's hometown in Mexico, as they are greeted by what has to be his family...scores of male dancers in aqua man tights twirling about upon the trio's arrival at their hotel.
What better way to start a vacation than to have a throwdown fight at dinner! Chance goes ballistic when New York brings up Tango's past remarks about Chance and Real being on the show just to promote their group, The Stallionaires. Chance once again scoffs at this accusation, and proclaims he is going to kick Tango's ass "Stallionaire" style. Well played. Did I mention he went bat-ass crazy on everyone while wearing a baby blue oversized t-shirt, matching head scarf, hat, and shoes? Gorgeous.
New York spends the next day solely with Tango. They have a lovely date sailing around on a yacht. Snooze. Thank goodness God has a sense of humor. It was extremely windy and New York's eyelashes ("they're real fur!" she boasts...sigh) almost fly off causing her to have a panic attack.
I will spare you the gross details of what happens when they return to the hotel. Let's just say New York "seduces" Tango with ass and lace. Yuck.
The next day is spent with Chance, where they at least have a semi-interesting date swimming with dolphins. You can only imagine what happens when you toss a mentally unstable hoodrat and an alcoholic flit riddled with disease in with a bunch of dolphins (ps - the aforementioned descriptions are interchangeable). NY is terrified of getting her weave wet and losing her lashes and Chance literally cusses out the dolphins like they stole his doo-rag (which he is wearing under a matching hat...and sunglasses...in the water).
Back to the States. Chance and Tango prepare for elimination. Chance goes clothes shopping and explains he is ditching the hat, sunglasses, and young boy attire for a man's suit and shoes. Kids, I breathed a heavy sigh of relief when he finally took off that doo-rag. No wonder he's been wearing it the entire season! It worked like magic! I didn't even know they still made S-Curl products. His waves were on point son!
Kudos to Chance for holding out this entire season, willing to look the fool for all these weeks, to finally unveil the silky smooth goodness that is his hurr. Well mutha-effin played! Terrence Howard, Slickback (Diana Ross' son), and Marques Houston, welcome your newest member to the S-Curl pretty boy club. I'm so excited I may bust out my jar of Let's Jam! just for old time's sake.
But let's get back to the show.
While Chance shops for clothes, Tango shops for jewelry. His plan is to buy NY's heart. I'm not sure what's a better strategy: diamonds or good hair? I'm torn.
The final elimination.
Here's the reasoning behind her final choice: Her heart "wants" Chance because they are so "exact", but her heart "needs" Tango, as he is her rock. So she chooses...Tango. Chance replies "Say what?" in disbelief. The bewildered look on his face is priceless. Clearly he's more confused than broken hearted. Not to mention pissed that he lost precious wave developing time by taking off his doo-rag for elimination.
He rejects New York's attempt to give him one last hug and calls her all sorts of bitches and crazy ass this and crazy ass that: "Bitch please. I ain't hugging yo ass. I already done slapped your ass, shook ya ass, tapped that ass. Take yo crazy ass outta here, crazy ass choice-making woman." Oh Chance, I know that's just your broken heart talking.
He walks out and is greeted by a beaming Sister Patterson who is of course elated. His response? "I'm about to go blow a blunt." Great. Thus adding to the countless other classy departures of rejectees before him.
Back inside, New York gives her final chain to Tango. What does he do? He proposes marriage! Yes chile! He gets down on one knee, pulls out the ring he (the producers) bought earlier and asks for her hand! She damn near hyperventilates...not sure if it was due to the proposal or her too-tight bodice on her dress which pushed her boobs up to her neck, damn near suffocating her.
In between dramatic breaths, she says Yes! And then goes into panic mode. Which is perfect because we all can find out if the engagement is still on at the reunion show! Airing in two weeks...Of course, since day one I was waiting for the reunion show. I'm not ashamed to admit that I think about Romance and his whereabouts at least once daily. And I always make sure to lock the deadbolt at night due to Pootie's existence in society. And what about Rico? Who hasn't called me. He better have a good update to give or else I'm going to be very pissed.
Alright my babies, this season was a doozy. Can't wait for the reunion show and of course ILNY 2! And you know the Stallionaires are going to have their own show. It will most likely be on BET3 (Is there such a station?) and funded by their mom. But I'm still going to watch it!
Smooches,
-KelleBelle
Dances with Horses (Posted: 3/20/07)
Tango, Real, and Chance are the last jerks standing. I'm just going to say it right now. Tango is going to win. It's not rocket science. Real, as I have said before, is simply there as a walking hair weave track supplier for NY and her mother, and the longer they keep him around, the longer their tracks will be. Chance is around just to prove that crack babies can grow up to be semi-functioning adults. Tango has to be it. But who knows, perhaps the producers will go for shock value and bring back Flav for the finale. And he'll reject her again for a high yellow girl. We'll see.
This episode begins with Chamo - clad in a cowboy costume for no apparent reason - bringing the guys news from NY of the impending arrival of Chance and Real's mom. Tango's mom is coming the next day.
Cut to Chance and Real picking out their clothes for the day...and they just happen to pull out matching t-shirts that proclaim their rap group name, The Stallionaires. Chance defends the shirts and says he's not trying to get exposure for the group or anything like that because they already have a record deal so they don't need to talk about their group. Then, after announcing they have a CD coming out soon while coincidentally wearing a classy spray-painted Stallionaire shirt, Chance declares his true motivation for being on the show...to win New York's heart. Right. See my interview with Real or Bonez posted in the archives to see why that couldn't be further from the truth. So over him.
Anywho -- C and R's mom Claudia arrives and she's cute as a button and serves up the bullsh-t just as smooth as her sons. She tells NY how pretty she is and that it's not surprising, seeing as how gorgeous her mother is. Wow. She should be a lawyer...
So C, R, Claudia, NY, and Sister P all go to a horse ranch. Real and Chance were in their element, as they were the only black kids in history to be raised on a ranch with horses. At lunch, NY annoyed everyone by showering Chance with kisses and focusing all her attention on him, even though Real, Sister P, and Claudia all think Real is the better match for NY. Of course in true slut form, NY finds the two brother's fighting over her ''erotic'' and it turns her on. Can you say Chinese finger trap? If you don't know, don't ask.
After lunch, Claudia gives an NAACP Image Award worthy performance by pleading to her two sons not to fight over New York, as if Real and Chance could give a damn about who ends up with her. Please, they just want as much screen time as possible. Can't knock their hustle though...as this entire time they have been wearing their stupid lil rap group shirts. Anyway, Claudia's tears make Chance cry and it's all pretty pathetic. Thankfully, the ranch date is over.
Back at the mansion, Tango's grandmother - I mean mother - Paula, arrives. She has to be at least 85.
So oldie, jobless, lambchop, and mr. patterson all go to a dance studio for tango lessons. NY and Sister P both feel uncomfortable because Paula is so much older and must not have much in common with them - like, for example, ''taking time to put on makeup to look like a woman, and not spend so much time in the kitchen looking for food.'' Great. Ya know, I can't wait to see the anorexic whores NY produces if she ever gets sperminated. I'm thinking Bobbi Kristina meets Nicole Richie.
After the dance lesson, the group has lunch, where NY acted like a complete bitch, purposely ruining everyone's time. She was the epitome of unpleasantness, and Tango's mom was disgusted, as we all are on a weekly basis. Tango was embarrassed, but seeing how he has no day job to get back to if he's eliminated, continues on with his quest for NY's heart.
Later, back at the mansion, Sister P pulls Chance to the side and offers him 5G's in cash to leave. He hesitates, and Sister P ups the ante to 10K, more money than Chance has ever or will ever see in his life. And I do believe he has child support payments to make...So the deal is if he gets a chain, he'll give it back to NY and Sister P will slip him the money. We'll see if he makes the sensible choice, or the fool's choice.
Elimination time.
The first chain goes to Chance. Sister P is ecstatic when she sees Chance taking off the necklace, assuming he is down with the devil's deal. He walks over to Sister P and asks her if she has what she promised him. Meanwhile, NY is pissed. ''How dare you take off the chain and upset me like that. I'm the HBIC around this muthaf-cka. I run this sh-t!'' Again, I cannot wait until this woman produces offspring. Mother of the year is in the bag.
Chance explains to NY about her mom's plan to pay him off and she eventually forgives him and replaces his chain. Sister P has had it and leaves.
The last chain goes to Tango.
Sister P is extremely disappointed that Real was not given a chain and almost comes to tears. I know my day is ruined when the House of Beauty runs out of my French Refined Number 4 so I feel her pain. Guess she'll have to go and get her usual Yaki tracks...
The brothers say a tearful pathetic goodbye and really show off their acting skills. The waterworks are in full effect and it's making me ill. I think I need to pay a phone call to Real and get the skinny. First of all, what memory was he thinking of that produced those tears so easily? And second, what medication and vaccinations was he immediately put on once he left the show to counteract the horrible diseases NY surely passed off to him?
Next episode is the season finale...and it couldn't come any sooner...because Charm School premieres in a few weeks. And I can only review so many quality shows.
Til the next time,
KelleBelle
Final Four New York Style (Posted 3/16/07)
Chance, Real, Whiteboy, and Tango remain.
For a cheap change of scenery, New York takes the men, in pairs, to Palm Springs. First it's Tango and Real who share NY on a golfing date. In one fell swoop, the group dispelled all myths regarding black people's athletic inclination, and simultaneously reinforced countless negative stereotypes ever attributed to black folk: oversexed, ignorant, and loud. Thanks gang!
All I'd like to know is who's bright idea was it to give them an Escalade golf cart? Jeez. Anyway, between trading lame quips and jibs at one another (Tango's prize one-liner was comparing Real to Tiger Woods with the zinger, ''More like Cub Woods''. Dude, leave the clever remarks to KelleBelle, and you keep working on that on-line degree at Strayer U. and get yourself a job, okay? thanks), the guys finish the game, with Real winning the ''prize'' of a kiss.
It's always disgusting to see a lip lock between NY and anyone, but I just could not stomach watching her kiss Real...not after seeing that ''before'' picture of him that's been going around the net, allegedly taken by his dentist.
After the hole and a half of golf, they get ''g'd'' up and meet NY for dinner, where Real was mildly entertaining as he heckled Tango whenever he went off on one of his sappy long-winded declarations of his love for NY. Yawn...
Tango did finally call Real out for his ulterior motive of being on the show - to promote his family rap group ''the Stallionaires''. (See my interview with Real for more on that. Still waiting on the group to transform hip-hop...I suppose they're just waiting to drop their game-changing lp until after the reunion show. Good call.)
Perhaps the Stallionaires should put their music thing on the back-burner and check into a family friendly rehab clinic. Damn those boys can drink. Real was drunk throughout his dinner date and night cap...and his brother Chance, well, that fool is never without a cocktail. A skinny, black, gap-toothed, psychotic Jeff Lebowski, if you will.
Real and Tango return to the mansion, while Whiteboy and Chance make the trek to Palm Springs where they meet NY to go on a hot-air balloon ride. Whiteboy shows his white adventurous side and hops right in the basket, while Chance hangs back like a scary lil b, and -with cocktail in hand- pleads with NY to let him sit this one out. No luck.
NY meanwhile is deathly afraid that the fire of the hot air balloon is going to singe her weave, because it's synthetic. You'd think she'd pay the extra ten bucks a pack to get the human hair. But I suppose she used the extra change to buy necessities like cigarettes and candy.
I almost fell out my damn chair when I saw Chance finally peep his lil head up over the side of the basket to get the full view once they were up in the air. He literally looked like a ghetto weasel. It was the funniest sight ever. I think he may be well on his way to conquering his fear of heights..Now on to his fear of dogs and inability to swim.
Feeding time. NY looks like a 2-peso hooker, Chance is drunk, and Whiteboy is boring. So everything is pretty much the status quo. There's a lot of tension and Chance angrily yells at both Whiteboy and NY about nothing in particular. To punish him for this, NY takes Whiteboy back to the hotel.
I love how NY's endgame always involves mass quantities of vodka, champagne, and whipped cream. Finally, we can agree on something. So she gets Whiteboy extremely drunk and they sloppily make out until NY asks him about his last long-term relationship...which only ended two months before he went on the show. Dummy. He should have lied. But that's what he gets for ingesting all that truth serum.
Finally, it's elimination time. NY (or the producers, rather) decides to change up the elimination order and announces who is out first, and distributes chains afterwards. She hints that the one who must go ''knows who they are'' and asks that person to step down. For a few minutes it's awkward and all four of the stooges look around at each other and shrug their shoulders. Finally, Chance is so confused he steps down and says, ''Well I don't know what's going on here so...should I step down?'' Bless his simplistic little pea-brained heart. Sister Patterson couldn't be happier...but NY says she wasn't talking about him.
Whiteboy, take your ass back to the O.C.
Next week's show looks quite entertaining, as Tango's 90-year-old mother as well as the Stallionaire matriarch make an appearance. It looks like Chance has an emotional breakdown and Sister P offers him 5 G's to leave the show. I hope he seriously considers it.
Until then...
KelleBelle
Ex-cuse Me? (Posted 3/11/07)
We're down to the last 5 and New York still feels like she hasn't gotten to know the guys well enough. Apparently watching these fools play basketball, build dog houses, parade around in a man beauty pageant, and slap the hell out of each other in a boxing ring didn't get the job done. Surprising.
So she invites ''special guests'' to get the skinny on each of the remaining dudes. Everyone's ex-girlfriend arrives at the mansion, except for white boy, who's surprisingly attractive sister shows up instead, looking like a young Charlotte from SATC.
I think everyone was surprised at how pretty Real's ex was. New York was seething with jealousy.
12-pack's chick is clearly still steaming from their break up...I'm sure it's due to the ''gift'' that keeps on giving that he gave her and which she's currently on medication for.
Chance's ex sells him down the river when she admits to New York and Sister Patterson that he gets high...because he's in the music industry. First of all honey, making a rap demo in the mall does not make one ''in the music industry.'' And two --you know what, one's enough. I'm done.
But she's not as bad as 12-pack's ex, Jaime, who tells Sister P and NY that her entire family thought he was gay and that he has worked at a gay club a few times...I'd like to know what ''worked at'' means exactly. Does she mean 'work the room? Strip? Wait tables and serve himself up as the man meat on a hot dog bun?
Not surprisingly, it means strip. And I'm sure he makes more in one night than I make in a year. Come on, the dude was made to strip naked at a gay strip club. It's his gift. I just cannot wait until he has to fight in court for the half a billion dollars he's rightfully due after the elderly gentleman he met while dancing (and married in Vermont) dies shortly after they wed. Damn, I'm digressing like a mug. Back to the show.
The ex-es (and White Boy's sister) are invited back to the mansion for dinner with NY and the guys. I don't know why they all gasped when news of 12-Pack's past career of man-dancing at the ''Golden Rod'' strip joint broke. That's like announcing it's sunny in June. Or Sister P is actually NY's father. It's just not that big of a surprise.
During dinner, Tango's chick explained that they broke up because he's a workaholic and work always came before their relationship...Um, can anyone tell me exactly what Tango does for a living? Man, Tommy ain't got no job. I mean, Tango. But he reassures NY that he's not like that anymore and he's grown up and blah blah. New York buys it...but she doesn't buy that there isn't still some mutual feelings between them...and I think she's right.
Meanwhile, Chance's drunk ass is sittin' on the other side of the table just gigglin' like, well, the drunken teenager that he is, and breaks into rap when asked to describe his relationship with his ex. Sigh. New York's analysis of Chance was absolutely golden. ''This man is nuts, he's crazy, he's a psychotic, he talks before he thinks...So we have a lot in common.'' Probably the most on-point thing New York has ever said in her life.
Speaking of on-point statements, 12-pack brags to his ex how ''I Love New York'' is going to be a number one hit show, and that after the show is over, he's going to be ''big time'' and will be able to get any job he wants. (Heavy sigh) Oh 12-pack, do I have to show you the amazing repertoire of work that former Flavor of Love contestants have produced since being on that show? Someone grab me a ''Pick-up Truck Enthusiasts'' magazine. You know, the one with Buckwild splayed on the cover. Or better yet, hand me the Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles calendar. I think Dee-licious is Ms. April.
Evidently the producers didn't have enough material for this episode so they threw in a good old fashioned fight between NY and Tango, who threatens to leave the house because NY was mean to him when his ex girlfriend was around. Snooze. That chump ain't got no job, and he's not going anywhere.
The next day, NY and Chance go on their first solo date together. He gets two kudos for acting. Although it was obvious he kept hitting the wine bottle in between planting a passionate kiss on NY as motivation. To reward him for his acting, NY presents Chance with what's on every ghetto youth's wishlist - a pair of obnoxiously large diamond stud earrings. Great. How about a coupon for a full ride at West L.A. community college? But I guess the producers knew what Chance would swoon over. And swoon he did. Worse than Vanessa Bryant does when Kobe lays a guilt-laden tennis bracelet on her after an away game.
Kick-out time.
I'll get right to it. 12-Pack, get ready for your close-up.
He leaves with a classy farewell, telling the camera that his ex-girlfriend looked good the other day, so he's going back to new jersey and bang the sh-t out her. Delightful.
He also informs us that he's an actor and went on the show to get in front of the camera. Thanks for the newsflash 12-pack. Because we all really thought you signed up for the VH1 dating reality show to hone your legal reasoning skills.
Can't wait to see you on "Boulevard of Broken Dreams"!
Until next week,
-KelleBelle
Million Dollar Baby Daddy (Posted 2/25/07)
Hey kids. Sorry it took so long for this review. Clearly my boss didn't get the memo about my duties here at Jakestake. But I will make a point of posting reviews asap for the remainder of the season...especially now that Jake's Take is about to get more exposure than Brit's bald head [or nether regions] and Anna Nicole's funeral combined given his rave review in Philadelphia Weekly. Okay, let's get to it.
Act I. Baby Daddy Potential
Six suitors remain. To see who'd be the best father [or who could best pretend they would be] New York bought a group of young girls and forced them to put on princess costumes that were too small for her and then have a party in the backyard of the mansion with the guys. There has to be something illegal about this setup.
Anywho, Boston is on his politicking game with the girls and campaigns to be their favorite. Chance, who should hopefully be one of the frontrunners for fatherhood potential seeing as how he has a child, acts the age that he appears to be [12] and interacts with the girls as such. He was very feisty and excitable and looked like he was just out on the playground during recess messing with all the lil girls who have a crush on him.
Whiteboy looked like he was allergic to children, and stayed as far away from them at all times.
Tango was the best with the kids...he actually reminded me of what I feel LL Cool J acts like around children. Not sure why. Anyway, he was nice, sweet, and cute to all the girls and I think they looked to him as an actual father figure, which is quite different than 12pack - whom the girls looked to when they needed a clown to paint.
Real dropped the ball on this one. He coulda had this challenge in the bag had he unbraided those locks and let all the girls play with his hair. If anything, he'd get the black vote.
In the end, the little ladies loved Tango, and Boston's campaigning worked. New York chose Boston as the winner and they go out on a date where Boston reveals the shocker that this is his first date with a black woman.
I hope he gets kicked off y'all. I cannot stand his poor man's JFK accent anymore...and I figure the sooner he's kicked off, the sooner we can find out his true motives for being on the show [I smell a Girl Smooth cover spread...]
While they're on their date, Sister Patterson comes by the mansion and orders the guys to cook her an elaborate dinner to test their cooking skills. Tango fails at cooking lobster, 12pack fails at...rice. Real, who had the challenging task of making the salad, succeeds and Sister P's a fan. Chance baked the cake, and Sister P spit it out. I guess Whiteboy got to pour the wine.
At dinner, they discuss the earlier day's challenge of competing to see who has the best parenting skills and after Sister P tells him he wouldn't be a good father, Chance confesses he has a son -- something I revealed exclusively here weeks ago in my interview with Real, but whateva -- and then freaks out and threatens to leave the house so he can spend time wih his son. Sister P is thrilled.
Tango throws Chance further under the bus when he makes the comment that if he had a child, there's no way he would have come on the show. When Chance finds out Tango said this, he calmly and politely asks Tango to explain his intentions behind his comment. Yeah right! Chance goes through the roof and they almost come to blows. But since Tango is the biggest crybaby and punk, no fight occurs but Chance decides to stay in the house.
Act II. 10 Dollar Baby
The next challenge takes place in a boxing club.
The first match is between Real and Whiteboy. It was a pretty even fight until Real literally ran into Whiteboy's punch and was knocked to the ground. He didn't get hurt though, as it was a pretty short trip [ba-doom doom].
Next match is 12pack vs. Tango. I hope 12-pack kicks the living sh-t out of Tango after he pulls the biggest b.s. move ever and claims his arm is hurting like crazy [remember the fake injury from the b-ball challenge ] but he'll still fight because he's no punk. Gimme a muther-effin break. Kick his ass Pack. Tango's thickness helped him get out of the ring with an almost even fight. But I'd call 12pack the winner.
The final bout is Chance vs. Boston. Pure Comedy. I usually don't recommend that people actually watch the show [I encourage people to read my reviews instead, saving them the time and guilt spent watching an entire episode] but you have to see this match. I must have re-played it 10 times. I think my dog laughed it was so funny. It was like Captain Kangaroo's retarded son versus Mike Tyson on crack. Guess who won. Just watch the show. If only to see Chamo break character momentarily in a futile attempt to save Boston from recreating the fateful scene in Million Dollar Baby.
Act III. Elimination
12 pack and future weave supplier [he doesn't know it yet...] Real are the first to get chains.
Mr. Boston's filthy habit of picking his nose, which he's currently doing at elimination, is finally called out by Chance. Gross...I was shocked it hadn't come up at least once during evaluations...But I suppose manners and etiquette isn't high on NY's list of priorities...
Tango is next to receive a chain.
The last ''men'' standing are Chance and Boston...
...Cracky gets the chain.
Boston leaves, but not before ensuring the viewers threw up a little bit in their mouths, by giving New York the longest, wettest, sloppiest kiss in history. After he leaves he tells the camera that had he slept with NY the night of their date [he claims Chance c-ck blocked him] there was no way he'd be the one leaving...sure buddy.
Next week, New York spends time with the ex-girlfriends of the remaining 5 and gets some juicy scoop...sounds interesting.
Toodles,
KelleBelle
Balls, Baths, and Bees..Oh My! (Posted 2/13/07)
7 men are left in the house. Their first task this week is to duke it out on the b-ball court to see who ''got game''. I can't believe I just wrote that. But it is what it is.
Anyway, off the guys go to Venice beach to re-create a few scenes from ''White Men Can't Jump''. Great.
New York brings out a surprise pro basketball player that they'll play one-on-one against -- Tomarra something or other from the L.A. Sparks. The guys are in awe of her professional basketball player status, while I'm shocked the WNBA is still in existence.
After talkin' a good game, Chance is the first to get served by the girl b-ball player. Of course he cries foul. 12-pack is next to get his ankles broke by Tomarra. I'm getting a slight sense of satisfaction as the female Jordan shakes and bakes these fools on the court, chipping away at each of their over-sized egos.
Precious little Real - who cannot be more than 3'1'', looks like a chocolate care bear trying to guard Tomarra. It's friggin adorable and at the same time pathetic. It now makes perfect sense that he raised horses growing up...I bet his hair looks stunning in long braids underneath his jockey helmet. But there I go digressing...Back to the game.
White boy, who has been preparing for this role his entire life, has the most game of them all so far. And by game, I mean that he actually knew how to dribble a ball and scored a lay-up. Kudos.
I always forget Tango is fat. He's one of those ''thick'' guys who gets away with it by hiding underneath a thin layer of muscle, a cute face, and a broad frame, but he's actually quite chubbers and flabby. The clingy red basketball uniform NY has all the guys in is doing nothing for his figure. He must know this so he fakes a shoulder injury and leaves the game. What a b move.
Rico surprised me with his moves. He definitely is athletic. The same can't be said for Boston. Chamo has more athletic prowess in his left pinky toe than in Boston's entire body. It was painful to watch. A for effort though.
Rico and Whiteboy are the only ones who played better than a grade schooler so they face off in a shootout to determine who wins a date with NY. Whiteboy wins. Duh. Didn't they see the movie?
After the basketball challenge, Real and 12-pack scheme to do something grand for NY to make them both stand out over the other guys. Meanwhile, Tango tells NY that he has to go to the hospital for his shoulder. Totally a fat kid move.
NY and Whiteboy have a pretty low-key dinner date, during which she presents him with a gift - a watch most likely worth more than his entire wardrobe and life savings. I believe it was a Fossil.
When they return to the house, they are greeted by 12Pack and Real, who are both dressed in Tuxedos. They take NY upstairs to the bathroom where they had laid rose petals and ran a bath for NY. I had to cover my dog's eyes [and ears] while 12pack and Real gave NY a dual massage. She was squirming and moaning like a woman possessed.
I really hope they boiled their hands in ammonia and bleach after that. But let me not gloss over the best part of their ''grand gesture'' -- self-portraits they both drew, with magic markers, of themselves and had framed. I laughed for about twenty minutes. Both drawings looked like something even a ''special'' child would toss out.
Just as New York gets in the tub, Boston sauters in and offers to make her a midnight snack - macaroni and cheese with a side of chicken.
Not to be outdone, Rico is busy downstairs toiling in the kitchen preparing his own midnight snack for New York - an orange.
Damn, the catering budget must be really tight. Or, more likely, the guys are just incredibly lazy and uninspired. You decide.
NY rejects the fruit, but loves Boston's microwave mac and cheese with a side of chicken. She proclaims, ''I'm really feelin' the F--k out of this nerd...we can make love on a stack of text books.'' Folks, if I didn't hear it with my own ears I wouldn't believe it either.
Just as I'm feeling really bad about myself for watching this trainwreck of a woman make a complete fool of herself on tv, comic relief in the form of Chance killing a ''12-foot bug'' saves the day. Although New York proclaims he's a real ''killer'' by smashing the 1 inch bug, she must have not witnessed him screaming like a b-tch at first and wriggling around on the floor like an epileptic breakdancer while he attempted to smash it with his shoe.
But I'm more concerned with his black and red checker leather jacket...over a what-still-must-be-sweaty basketball uniform. Dude, why are you still wearing that? They've been home from the b-ball court for hours. And how dare you make an outfit out of it? I'm so mad at him.
The next day, New York and her mom have brunch with the guys in the backyard, which luckily must be home to a few beehives because they're swarming like crazy. It's pretty comical. They must be those malaysian bees that are attracted to synthetic hair, because they are just zipping all through Sister Patterson and NY's heads.
Boston brags about how much NY enjoys his nightly midnight snacks. Moms doesn't like that all and forbids the practice to continue, reasoning that New York will get fat if she keeps eating so late at night. In a rare peek at New York's human side, she becomes very defensive and obviously hurt. She proclaims defiantly to the camera that she'll eat what she wants, when she wants. I'm just glad the girl is putting something other than cigarettes, booze, or man meat in her mouth. What, too much?
After a bee bites NY's kitchen, brunch is moved indoors. Naturally, Tango and Whiteboy get into a screaming match and per usual Tango [after pulling his sling off and punching in the air with his injured arm] threatens him with the promise of an ass beating. And per usual, nothing transpires. I am so tired of this fatso and his empty threats. Put up or shut up.
Elimination time.
Real is the first to be given a necklace. Why? His hair of course. Both Sister P and NY are just keeping him around because they're going to eventually cut it off his head, make a track, and sew that bad boy right on in. Watch.
Next chain goes to 12-peezy. Duh. I bet he smells great. Like hair product, after-shave, and Cool
Water. Delish.
Whiteboy, Chance, and Boston all get chains.
So it's down to the battle of the O's - Tango and Rico.
Fatty makes the cut. Boo.
Rico, can call me.
Next week's episode looks fun - boxing and little kids. Of course that's a recipe for disaster and Chance looks like he's due for an irrational outburst. Fun times.
Smooches,
KelleBelle
Dogs Drunks and Divine Inspiration (posted 2/6/07)
...And we're back!
KelleBelle's new job was really getting in the way of her I Love New York guest blogging duties. But luckily this week was a bye so she finally got to catch up and post her review of the latest episode.
The latest ''challenge'' is to prove who is the best handyman. Their task is to build a dog house for Princess, New York's pooch. On the real tip, NY may want to think about having the guys build her a real house...because who knows if this show will be picked up for another season...but I digress.
The studs are divided into teams of three - the black team [Chance, Mr. Boston, Rico], the white team [Real, 12-Pack, Heat ], and the gray team [Tango, Whiteboy, and Onix ].
I don't know who thought it was wise to give these knuckleheads and nancies power drills and saws but by some stroke of luck the biggest inury we saw was Tango getting a splinter, cementing his status of pansy, at least in whiteboy's book. Meanwhile, on the black team, Chance and Rico grow frustrated with Mr. Boston's lack of focus. But hellooo - he's a new england socialite. He's never seen a day of manual labor in his life.
The gray team looks to be the front runner with their dog house fit for a princess. It was very cute and girly, and looked sturdy enough to at least give shelter to Princess for a night or two. Color me impressed.
The black team's house looked like it would collapse at the slightest breeze. Chance rats on Mr. Boston's lack of effort but there's no use. Their house sucked.
The white team's house is definitely the most creative and cute and Princess declares them the winner. So the white team wins a date with NY and 12-pack, as foreman, gets an extra special gift - perhaps a VD. We'll just have to wait and see.
The date is broken up as follows - cocktails with Real, dinner with Heat and dessert with 12-pack. NY can't get enough of Real's flowing locks that he so graciously let out of their cornrowed confines.
Cut to Mr. Boston talkin' junk [thanks qui!] about his teammates in the kitchen and Chance doin' hurr in one of the rooms. I cannot believe this dude is seriously lining up Whiteboy. And doing a mighty fine job at it. Only on TV ladies and germs...
Back to the date. NY meets Heat out on the patio for dinner. His choker is killing me...and him. How he didn't self-asphyxiate and pass out is beyond me. He's clearly on some sort of drug as he's twitching like he has tourrettes or just took a hit of pcp. My guess is on the latter.
I don't know if I blinked and missed it but I'm pretty sure there was absolutely no food of any kind during dinner or dessert. NY claimed she was watching her figure so instead of eating dessert with 12-pack they go into NY's bedroom to learn tantric techniques. The logical alternative.
What's more troubling than their instructor, who can best be described as a poor man's Maggie Seaver, is the leopard bikini briefs that 12-pack is given to wear. The funniest part of the session is when 12-pack had to leave mid-tantric-technique-lesson to relieve himself because he had been drinking so heavily beforehand. Hey, I'd probably be hittin' the sauce 24/7 my damn self if I was in that house...
After the date is over, 12-pack [still clad in leopard skivvies] and Heat drink until 5am...a smart move considering they had to be up early the next morning to attend church with NY's mom, sister Patterson. Both of them are still drunk and look like human rags.
In a moment of clarity, Sister P chooses not to cuss Chance out for refusing to take off his hat and don't-rag [thanks Jake]. So off they all go to church, dressed in what I hope isn't their Sunday best.
Mr. Boston rides with NY and moms in the limo where he proceeds to explain his jewish/christian heritage and how even if his and NY's kid would come out very dark skinned at birth, it mostly likely would get lighter as it matured. Needless to say, he made a complete ass of himself. But that's why we love Mr. Boston. I have to say he hit the nail on the head when he likened Sister Patterson to Darth Vader. She sounds a bit like JamesEJones too. But that is neither here nor there...
The happy bunch arrive at Sister Patterson's church, which looks to be your typical black baptist house of worship with lots of joyous singing and dancing. Immediately Mr. Boston is scared for his life, yet at the same time mildly intrigued.
Sister P goes up to the pulpit and speaks to the crowd, which includes a still drunk Heat dozing off in the pews. Chance, most likely just given a 5 spot from one of the producers, decides to stop being stubborn and removes his hat after being ''moved'' by Sister Patterson's voice, and finally enters the church.
Back from church, the guys chill by the pool and reflect on their religious experience. In a surprisingly dumb move, Onix tells the guys he didn't ''buy'' Sister Patterson's performance at church and has the gall to say it was contrived. How dare he. Even if it's true, you don't go and say that. Duh. Like a pack of wild schoolgirls with a fresh piece of juicy gossip, Tango and Rico jump at the chance to snitch on Onix and give NY and Sister Patterson the scoop.
On to the elimination...
The bottom 3 are Mr. Boston, Onix, and Heat, who's shaking like he's nervous but in actuality he's just exhibiting withdrawl symptoms. It has been about 3 hours since he's had a drink/hit.
Onix [real name William] gets called out for talking shizz about NY's mom. He looks smug and could really care less that he's been elmininated...and can finally go back to his white wife who's surely waiting for him at home.
Next to be kicked to the curb is Heat. He sealed his coffin when he told NY earlier in the show that if they lived together, his mom and ''ya-ya'' would live with them too or in an adjacent house. I find it more unsettling that he refers to his grandmother with the same nickname I gave my lady parts, but again, I digress...
So Mr. Boston is the last man standing of the bottom 3. I suppose congrats are in order. You can't knock his commitment to the role. He even kissed NY and acted like he enjoyed it when in reality you know he was waiting until the cameras turned away so he could run to the nearest mirror to ensure she didn't leave any black on him.
It's down to a ''lucky'' seven. Next week's episode looks mildly amusing...with the guys playing b-ball in Venice. Charo, of course, is clad in a cheerleader's costume, rooting from the sidelines.
Can't wait.
Smooches,
KelleBelle
I Love New York Weekly Review (Posted 1/23/07)
Week 3. The show begins with Whiteboy receiving some bad news from home. A close friend died. New York graciously offered her bosom as a sign of support. Class act that girl is.
Cut to a cleaned up Chamo who delivers a letter from NY that instructs the men to prepare a presentation to show who is the biggest ''potential earner.'' Off they go to clumsily prepare resumes and pie charts in a futile attempt to be Mr. I have adequate credit.
One by one the gents go into the ''boardroom'' to present their earning potential displays. And to help NY judge is none other than Omarosa. Sitting next to NY and her mother, the three of them look like some broke down drag queens auditioning for their fourth screamgirl.
First question is net worth. Tango says ''let's say 300,000''. Let's say, yeah right. He actually did pretty well considering the firing squad he was in front of. And I know his manhood died a little when called out about his cubic zirconia stud earrings.
Moving on to my dear friend and first interviewee Real. He talks about his family biz of breeding and raising Arabian horses. Kudos on keeping it real, but come on dude. No one besides Jazmine thinks that shizz is hot.
Chance looks gayer than Christmas, Johnny Gill, and Eddie Murphy all wrapped into one big ball of gay. He skips the whole family horse farm talk and explains his plan to become rich and famous. You can guess what the panel says.
Rico is my absolute favorite. His game plan is to get rich by becoming a model. Yup, that's it. A model. NY's mom shuts that plan down immedgeately.
Onyx looks great in his suit and his presentation is so far the best. I believe he is the only one who can read and write. So obviously, he's way ahead of the game.
NY's mom loves Mr. Boston because he's poised to make 6 figures as an accountant. But he'll probably blow it all on candy and cigarettes.
T-weed says his net worth is over 100 million dollars. Dude, I'm done. Just done.
Pootie god bless his crazy ass heart. You can literally feel his nervous clinically insane energy through the screen as he confesses he's worth approximately three dollars. His thick southern accent doesn't make his pathetic presentation any better. It's really sad. I kind of want to sponsor him to go to computer classes so he can better himself.
I literally shed a tear when he left the boardroom sobbing. Okay, I didn't shed a damn thing. But I did feel really bad for him. He totally pulls a Mariah and has a complete meltdown due to the embarrassment and humiliation that went down in the boardroom. Then, suddenly he passes out on the stairs. An ambulance comes, but Pootie makes a swift recovery. I guess since Romance is gone, the crazy quotient had to be picked up.
So Tango and Whiteboy get in a fight on the way back to the mansion b/c Whiteboy told him not to bother Pootie when he went crazy. Nothing transpired. Yawn.
The winner of the financial potential challenge is T-weed. I'm really close to changing the channel.
While NY and T-weed went on their date, Moms and Pootie, the loser, go out. Pootie acts like a straight crackhead. I started laughing uncontrollably when he came down with a case of the shakes. He has a great future in acting. If he's not acting and has a legitimate psychological disorder, I apologize. But I doubt it. He's just hit the pipe one too many times.
Moms thinks Pootie is really sick and in the midst of a nervous breakdown and wants him out of the house. He just needs some Zoloft and a good shrink. Oh and some pride for good measure.
He packs his shizz and heads to the nearest mental health professional which I'm sure VH1 has stationed at the exit. Smell ya later psycho.
Moving on to the backyard bbq, and NY's weave looks semi decent for the first time in history. Mr. Boston must agree and gives her a lap dance. Subsequently, a makeout session in the house takes place where Mr. B makes NY melt with his surprisingly sensual kisses. Well played beantown, well played.
Back in the hottub, NY liplocks with Chance...girrrl you best be careful. Who knows where those lips been...yikes.
Finally the elimination. Since Pootie left, only two are getting kicked out.
T-Weed's credit score came back. It's 2.
He can't get a credit card and his last job was slinging burgers to zack and the gang at the max.
In a surprising twist, Heat is given the last necklace and T-weed and Bonez are given their pink slips.
I'm losing faith y'all. I thought this episode was going to be way more entertaining. But the preview for next week looks good. The guys get to build tree houses and attend a black church which is always fun.
Til next week...
smooches,
KelleBelle
Interview with Bones (posted 1/19/07)
In my second interview with a cast member from I Love New York, Bonez opens up about his BFF Romance, the portrayal of Blacks on reality TV, and how anyone who says they went on the show to win New York's heart is a damn, dirty lie.
KelleBelle: Why did you go on the show?
Bonez: Several reasons. I am an actor.
KB: Say no more.
Bonez: But I didn't go on just for exposure. The casting call said they were looking for attractive, single men for a dating show so I signed up. They never told us who the woman was. All they said was that the woman was gorgeous and had worked for VH1 before.
KB: Those bastards!
Bonez: Even after I was casted and signed the contract I had no idea who the woman was. It wasn't until VH1 moved us into a hotel and right before we started filming the show that they told us who she was. So I can't lie and say I was there to win New York's heart, because we had no idea she was even involved in the show until the last minute.
KB: So be honest, were you shocked, horrified, and sickened when you found out who the mystery bachelorette was?
Bonez: Actually, I still had no idea who she was! I do not watch reality tv and have never seen one single episode of Flavor of Love. I actually hate Reality TV. I had to call my friends and ask who New York was.
KB: So once your friends informed you that New York is a crazy lunatic who likes to kiss gremlins, why didn't you run to the nearest exit?
Bonez: Like I said, I don't watch reality shows. I really hate them and feel that they take away acting jobs from real actors. But I realize this kind of tv gets ratings and I'm sick of seeing people, especially black people on these kinds of shows just acting like straight bafoons. I just don't think that has to be the case. So I figured this show would give me the opportunity to be a good role model.
KB: So how do you explain your actions on the Mangeant then? Particuarly when you came out and poured water all over your naked chest. I'm not sure Mr. Cosby would be too happy with you.
Bonez: Well, I'm a stand up comedian, and that side of me just came out. I'm a fun guy. Yeah, I want to set a good example and hopefully in the future they'll remember me as a good, christian guy, not the dude who poured water on himself.
KB: Good luck with that. So, who are you still friends with from the show?
Bonez: Romance and I are great friends. We talk everyday. We slept in the same room in the house.
KB: Interesting...so, is Romance gay? You can tell me.
Bonez: Um...he didn't come off to me as gay. We'd stay up all night talking. There was a real cool side to him that they didn't show on tv. Yeah, he may have had one or two too many emotional breakdowns on the show but that was only a very small part of him.
KB: I'll take your word for it. So who do you absolutely not miss from the show?
Bonez: Pootie. He was very scary to live with. You didn't know if you'd wake up and see him standing over you with his penis in one hand and a knife in the other.
KB: Say Whatttttttttttt????!!!
Bonez: Yeah. I kind of blame VH1 because before the show started filming we had to sit through a psychiatric evaluation to make sure we were cool to go on the show.
KB: So Pootie slipped through the cracks.
Bonez: Exactly.
KB: Wow. That's some crazy shizz. So, what kind of response have you gotten since the show premiered?
Bonez: I feel like I need a bodyguard! People come up to me all the time. I was at a college fair last week where I represented my alma mater, Morehouse, and I got bombarded by fans. But I refused to sign an autograph or take a picture unless each kid had at least 5 college applications.
KB: That's really cool. So I hear New York's breath was less than pleasant. True?
Bonez: She's not the most pleasant anything.
KB: Zing!
Bonez: I am not a big fan of her but I do respect her. She's made an empire off of her attitude. But needless to say she's not my type. I don't drink, smoke, have sex.
KB: You're a virgin?
Bonez: [Laughs]. Well, no. I'm a born-again Christian and have pledged to wait until marriage to have sex. But yeah, Tiffany (New York) is not the most attractive woman to me. I told her that.
KB: What was your most memorable experience from the show?
Bonez: When 12Pack gave Chamo a lapdance.
KB: Was this for the cameras or behind the scenes?
Bonez: For the cameras.
KB: I cannot wait to see that! But, being a born-again Christian, are you against the gay lifestyle?
Bonez: Nah. I went to school with a lot of gays growing up and at college. A lot of my friends are gay. I mean, yes in the bible it says that the gay lifestyle is a sin, but I sin too, I mean, I cuss and stuff, but you can't say what sins are worse than others. It's not for me to judge.
KB: Yeah, sinning's awesome. Well Bonez, thanks so much for taking time out to chat. I wish you all the best in the future.
Bonez: No problem. Great talking with you.
Interview with Real (Posted 1/17/07)
I had the great pleasure of speaking with ''Real'' from I Love New York. We touched on such important subjects as the key to fame and fortune, horse breeding, pre-marital sex, hair products, the death of hip hop, and THE picture. Read on and get ''Real''.
KelleBelle - First and foremost, what kind of juices and berries do you use in your hair? It is just gorgeous.
Real - [Laughs] I use nothing but Pantene and Paul Mitchell. Whatever they make, I use. The shampoo, conditioner, detangler, all of it.
KB - Do you have Indian in your family?
Real - Aw, I hate answering this question, but well, I'm obviously black. With german, irish, and two types of native american tribes - cherokee and black slip.
KB - Cool, me too. Are you and Chance really brothers? With the same mother and father?
Real - Yes. There are four of us boys. Me, Chance and our youngest brother all live together and are in a music group, ''The Stallionaires''. We all write, rap, play instruments, produce. We been doing it since we were kids. [Oldest brother is 33 and runs a mortgage company.]
KB - That's fabulous. And how old are each of you?
Real - I just turned 27. Chance is 25 and the youngest is 24. He was cast to be on ILNY too but he decided not to be on the show. Which I think was a good move because having 3 brothers on the show may have been overkill.
KB - True dat. What kind of response have you gotten since the show's debut?
Real - It's crazy. I can't go anywhere anymore. My brother and I were in Beverly Hills last week and a girl stopped in the middle of the road, got out her car and ran over to us just to see if it really was us and then shook our hands. We get mauled at clubs, my myspace page is off the charts, it's crazy.
KB - Yeah, tell me about it. So, why in the hell did you go on this show?
Real - Well, I went on the show to...to get to know New York. But the music that my brothers and I make is very hard to market. Record executives had no idea what to do with us. So we said to hell with the music execs. We'll go through the back door. Go on the show, and see what happens.
KB - Right. So you're happy you did the show then?
Real - Extremely happy. Before the show even aired on TV - that morning - we got offers from everywhere. And I'm talking multi-million dollar deals. Before the show even played that night. I mean I thought we'd get offers, but not until like episode 7 or something later, not before the show even aired.
KB - Damn son. So the key to fame and quick fortune is reality TV then. I'm in the wrong business...
Real - [Laughs] Naw, some people go on reality shows and you never hear from them again. We damn sure ain't gonna be one of those tired reality stars.
KB - [coughs - Joe Millionare - coughs - Kwame from apprentice - coughs - Tek - coughs]
Real - Our whole goal was to go on the show, and exploit that opportunity. Thats always the goal - to exploit your opportunities.
KB - Sound advice.
Real - Look, we're here to make as much money as possible. To build an empire, like the Olsen Twins. Not on some lil level like Jermaine Dupri or even Jay-Z. We're tryin to play the games that the white boys be playin. The multi-billion dollar game.
KB - Good shizz. So, do you or Chance have any kids?
Real - Chance has a two-year-old son. He's not with the baby's mother. I don't have any kids.
KB - Speaking of fornication, what was up with your anti-premarital sex rant during the mangeant?
Real - [laughs.] See, they didn't show the whole thing. She [Sister Patrice] first asked if I believed pre-marital sex was right and I said well in the bible God says no, so that's how it is. But what they didn't show is she then asked me if I was a virgin, and I said No. And then she told me to get away from her. I mean, if I meet a girl and she's a virgin and wants to wait until she's married to have sex, I'm going to respect her decision and not pressure her to do anything she doesn't want to do. I'm not the type to be forcing stuff.
KB - Yeah, but you do know that when girls say No they really do mean Yes. Anywho, speaking of sinning and religion, I'll be speaking with a certain castmate of yours...
Real - aw no...don't tell me Bones. Man, he ain't no preacher. Everytime he read a scripture on the show it had absolutely nothing to do with what was going on at the time. He just wanted to be heard. I mean I like him as a person, he's nice but...
KB - He's a heathen and a fake.
Real - Exactly.
KB - What was your most memorable experience on ILNY?
Real - When Chance went off on Sister Patterson in the first episode.
KB - Were you embarrassed?
Real - naw, I'm used to it.
KB - Does he have a record?
Real - [hesitates] Naw, he knows how to act in public. I mean, when he starts drinkin he gets a lil crazy, especially when he feels disrespected. But he knows who he can pop off to and who he can't. But I mean, I look out for him, have his back.
KB - That's precious. Now, let's talk about this picture that's been going around the net of you and your brother Chance looking, well, let's just say, questionable.
Real - Awww man...was I wearing a cowboy hat?
KB - Bingo.
Real - We had just come back from the rodeo.
KB - They have rodeos in LA?
Real - Yeah, we raise horses. We grew up in a farm in Northern California. We breed and raise horses. That picture is on my MySpace page. Someone must've seen it and started sending it around. It's funny how people just pick one picture to focus on and ignore the others.
KB - So you're getting a little taste of the not so pretty side of fame huh?
Real - Man, I don't give a damn. People can say what they want. I'm gonna say what I feel like, so people can say what they want.
KB - Who are you still friends with from the show?
Real - 12 Pack, Heat and Whiteboy. They're my boyz.
KB - Nice. Where else can we see you besides ILNY?
Real - We did the Tyra show. I think it airs next week. Then we're doing Steve Harvey, Big Boi, and Wendy Williams.
KB - Since we're talking about scary talk show hosts, what does Tyra look like in person?
Real - She looks better in person. But she had so much damn makeup on I thought she was asian at first.
KB - Hmmm...a 6'1 tan asian woman with a lacefront. Ya don't see that everyday.
Real - But she's hella cool. She's from Inglewood and once she found out we lived there before too it was cool.
KB - That's amazing. So, what are you working on now?
Real - Our new album. It is the most innovative, trendsetting sound out there. I mean, hip-hop is on it's way out so we had to flip it.
KB - genius. So do you watch the show every Monday?
Real - Yeah. You'll see my personality more and more as the show progresses. At first, I was just watching my surroundings, and trying to see who was an ''Undercover Brotha''. Once I knew what kind of dudes were in the house, I opened up.
KB - That's what she said. Sorry, please go on.
Real - I didn't know who was undercover. That dude Trendz was on some other shit. Just a straight weirdo.
KB - Yeah he sucked balls. Well, Real, I had a great time talking with you. Thanks so much for taking time to chat. I'll check in with you later on as the show nears the finale.
Real - No problem. I really enjoyed our conversation too. Have a good night.
There He Is...Mr. Mangeant (1/16/07)
The-I-Love-New-York-Beauty-Mangeant.
Yeah, it's exactly what you think it is. The ''winner'' of the Mangeant gets a one on one date with NY and the first runner up gets a plaque with NY's panties. Great.
Here are the highlights:
Tango is fat.
Onyx, can call me. His body looked great.
T-weed, aka Ms. Jay's twin brother, screamed like a straight biznitch when he was getting waxed - yes waxed - to prepare for the swimsuit competition. Act like a man dude...well, at least act like one in front of the cameras. (Meanwhile, I picked up a great new term to describe male grooming: ''manscaping''. Brillz.)
Trendz looked crispy and greasy, and if you're not a piece of chicken or tilapia, that's not a good look.
For someone who makes it a priority to display his upper chest at all times, Romance's physique was quite a disappointment. Work it out sweetie. You are way too gay not to have a six pack. To add insult to injury, his dancing was egregious and evoked memories of Ashlee Simpson's awkward jig after she was caught lipsynching.
Moving on...
Chance looked skinny and silly. But NY loved it and his thug self. I just don't get it.
Pootie scares me.
Token was the only one who didn't strip. What the hell was he thinking -- um, hello if you're not willing to completely humiliate yourself why did you come on this show?
I almost vomited when T-weed came on stage. First of all, he looks like he uses Luster's pink oil to moisturize his hair...and body. Just all kinds of greasy. I'll bet my next paycheck he leaves soul-glo stains all over that damn mansion. And I refuse to discuss his herpes/ingrown hair colony that resides on his inner thighs.
And we're moving...
Bones is a fool. And sadly, it's not an act. He's really that corny says a friend who was a member of the same exclusive social organization for upwardly mobile black people's kids growing up...more on that later.
White boy was a good sport. I like him.
Mr. Boston is great. This fool came out in a man thong. Now, he has the body of a 10 year-old pre pubescent girl, with no rhythm to speak of, but yet somehow he out performed everybody and showed he has the biggest balls - and no shame - of all of them. Kudos. But seriously dude, get some sun and a trainer before you put that thong on again. Thanks.
The five finalists - Real, Romance, 12pack, White boy, and Onix - move on to the question and answer portion of the mangeant. This part was a lil boring so I'll be brief.
Real is a mutha effin lie. When asked his stance on pre-marital sex, he said that God says no, so he doesn't partake in it. Right. He scored big points with moms but NY's nympho self was completely turned off.
Whiteboy really wishes he was black, Romance - in a shocker - gave yet another sob story, and Onix fell for the gay witch hunt question and basically outed himself by responding affirmatively to Chamo's ''If I was a car how would you drive me'' question.
And Mr. Mangeant 2007 is...White boy. 12pack is the runner up.
Meanwhile, backstage with the losers, Trendz' crispy self had the audacity to hand out his cd.
Chile, I almost fell out my chair. So tacky. And just plumb dumb. He basically assured his place in the cast-offs with this foolish move.
Moving...
12pack apparently has a girlfriend at home, but Romance may be making it up. He's so catty.
Token doesn't like black girls. It's obvious. He has no idea what to do when NY asks him for a kiss. Boo.
So White Boy, 12pack, and Onix go with NY on a date...to the Santa Monica pier. Classy. Again, a snoozfest.
And for the elimination...
Romance, get your kleenex sweetie and take ya ass home. I'm sure he has a bright future in soap opera acting. Or more likely, bondage films.
Token is kicked off and Trendz' self-promotin' ass is gone too.
This week wasn't that exciting, but next week looks like it's going to make up for it...fighting, humiliating financial background questions, and...Omarosa.
I'll see you back here next week. And stay tuned for my interview with....REAL.
I Love New York...But Do You? (Posted: 1/08/07)
We all knew it was coming. I mean, did we really think NY was just going to go and crawl under a rock after Flav dissed her a second time and never be seen or heard from again? Of course not.
VH1 knew they had ratings gold and they certainly have it with ''I Love New York'' which premiered Monday night.
We are first greeted by Chamo, the male spawn of Charo, who is actually more like a hispanic ''Bobby Trendy'', who serves as New York's ''stylist'' and introduces Ms. Thing herself to all of the contestant's delight.
So same basic setup -- 20 guys consisting of a bunch of former porn extras, trailor trash, and wanna be singers/actors. About oh I'd say 97 percent of the contestants are homosexual, which makes sense seeing NY's drag queen style. So far I'm a bit impressed with the variety of suitors. There are black men of various levels of ghetto-fabulousness, white men who range from poster-boys for metrosexuality, typical wiggers, to straight up dopey never met a black person white boys, and one Latino. Kudos to casting.
You can tell which guys really watched FOL when NY introduces the ''surprise'' guest who will be helping her choose her suitor -- her mother, Sister Patterson. [I'll be referring to her as momma or moms henceforth.] Those who saw her on FOL were shocked and afraid for their lives - as they should be. The others just looked disappointed that it wasn't flavor flav.
On to the naming ceremony. Some dudes got to keep their already established nicknames and some had names given to them.
''Rico'' is the typical smooth talking suave latin lover type.
''Pootie'' - Is a cutie but something's off.
''Tango'' is nice, boring, semi-cute.
''Wood'' - is very handsome, very tall, and very bald, with a great smile. Mom thinks she's seen him before. I'm thinking hard-core porn.
''Whiteboy'' tried to explain his plain old whiteness away by saying that his father is italian and his mother is scottish. Um, yeah you're white. Get over it.
''12pack'' - White boy gym rat. Clearly gay.
''Heat'' - looks like a guido version of Michael J. Fox. He's cute, probably has a couple kids and a severe napoleon complex.
''T-bone'' is big and gross and greasy. yuck. He's the male version of ''Something'' from FOL season 2. I pray to goodness he doesn't have an accident like she did...
''Jersey'' - is a white financial advisor from, yup, you guessed it, Jersey. snooze.
''Mr. Boston'' - is an opie lookin dude from the bean. He's nerdy, awkward, and extremely lame...but innocent and slightly entertaining to watch.
''Onyx'' is a cutie who coincidentally looks like that dude from the late-nineties rap group ''Onyx'', fredro starr. Wait...is that you Freddy? I kid.
''T-weed'' needs a new stylist. but i digress. moms loves him. don't know why.
''Ace'' is a tennis pro. that's it.
''Trendsz'' has dreads and raps. Yawn.
''Bones'' is God-fearing which NY doesn't like, but the mother eats it up when dude cites from the bible.
''T-money'' looks like he's the guy on the brochure for golf courses. He's a ''corporate recruiter'' who went to georgetown and looks like your average frat boy. His dad's probably producing the show.
''Real'' and ''Chance'' are brothers and both are clearly here to break into the music biz. ''Real'', the eldest, is in the music industry and is already ''established'' so he's here for love. right. His younger brother ''Chance'' is clearly tryna be a rapper...he literally rhymed his intro. He looks like a mickey mouse club member...for inner city kids.
''Token'' is bad. just bad. His white self thinks he was clever to name himself ''Token'' and that NY needs a token of love or some tomfoolery. I don't think he realizes that ''token'' is what black people are referred to when they are the only ones in a group - a la the ''token'' black. sigh.
''Romance'' is one thousand percent gay. But I heart him nonetheless. He's more sensitive than the girliest of girly girls and at all times ensures his sculpted and tanned chest is on display during his frequent tearful confessions. He breaks down when he tells NY about how he lost the love of his life - his teacup yorkshire puppy named ''Princess'' and pledges to treat NY like his princess. This guy was made for reality TV.
''Chance'' talks too much. He's annoying and just has to be the center of attention. Mr. Boston, whom Chance likens to ''Al Gore's Nephew'', makes the mistake of interrupting Chance trying to have some quality time with NY.
Chance of course overreacts and is about to beat the crap out of dude when NY breaks it up. She calls Chance a real thug because he dresses in baggy clothes and he's dangerous. She loves it and is a fan of Chance's heavy drinking as well. Hmmm...someone has her priorities in order.
Meanwhile, Mr. Boston has the cure - he tells Chance that he needs ritalin...cut to Chance speaking to the camera, confessing he doesn't know what ritalin is. I'd have to call Mr. B the winner of this row.
T-bone confesses to NY that he hasn't gotten laid in 3 years. Well that's a lie. More like 30. He's hideous. And then the black shrek had the nerve to say he had great eyes and takes off his sunglasses to debut them. One eye looked one way, and one looked the other. NY had enough...as did I. [No pun intended]
Ace is semi-cute, a nerd, way too intellectually superior to connect with NY on any type of level.
T-Money is stiff and boring. And he's wearing a green blazer with a pink shirt. WTF. Is his dad friggin Mr. Howell or what?
Finally, 41 minutes into the show, Mom calls attention to the big ass gay pink elephant in the room: that she senses a few of the guys seem to have a little gay in them. 12 pack is of course the number one culprit. With his perfect body, self-plucked eyebrows, and frosted locks, Moms asks him if he had ever slept with a man. After pausing for oh about 2 hours he finally said no. He's probably telling the truth but may just be so in love with himself that technically he is gay.
Pootie is a bricklayer by day, male servant by night. He gives massages, manicures, pedicures...this may come in handy later. He's mad shady though.
Wood was on ''Mr. Romance'' a reality tv show I've never heard of. He's also been on ''Elimidate'' and one other reality tv show. ''I Love New York'' is his 4th reality show. So we all know his motives. But he's fine as all hell so he can stay around as long as he likes...
Mom and Mr. Boston chatting was hilarious. He's an accountant - surprise surprise - and he has that JFK accent going on. It's a bit painful to hear him speak. That new england accent just kills me. When talking about their [NY and Mr. Boston] potential offspring, moms says their kid would probably be able to ''pass'' and Mr. Boston says ''yeah, like Derek Jeter''. Clearly NY and her mom are the first black people he has ever been around and I'm pretty confident in saying Mr. Boston has no idea what ''passing'' is.
Rico tries to be cute and gives NY a nickname -- ''Negrita''. OH HELLS NO. It means ''little black girl'' but he changes the meaning when he sees her face and says it actually means ''beautiful black girl''. hahaha. You're gone buddy. All the black guys are so happy Rico effed himself. But that was soo stupid. You're telling me they didn't play the Michael Richard's rant on Univision? Come on Rico.
Romance is really tryna milk the dead dog angle. NY basically shows him her left tit to display her tattoo that says ''Princess''. It does nothing for him. He spills his heart out and shows how ridiculously sensitive he is and NY starts to fall for it. Ps - his chest has been on display the entire time.
Awww yeah, some of the dudes begin to discuss who's there ''for real'' and who's there just to get some camera time, just like the gals on FOL. Token is the ringleader of this discussion. Momma loves Token for this and appoints him as her spy to give her the scoop on all the other guys.
Romance tells mom that she reminds him of his mother 100 percent. She says ''Oh really, she's black like me?'' Golden. Romance stares blankly into the distance before diving back into his sensitive rant. All of a sudden, Chance rudely butts in and mom blows smoke in his face and told him to bounce. He of course acts a fool and pisses mom off to no end. Momma tells him he's ''outta here'' and wants to kick him out immediately. Chance is clearly on crack. Seriously, how can he exist in society...he really should be in some sort of controlled environment.
Rico tries to apologize and Chamo comes to his defense and tries to explain that in latin countries, Negrita means something different and is in actuality a term of endearment and means no harm. Um, no sale fellas. Lo siento.
I feel bad for Rico, he seems generally embarrassed and sorry for his bi-lingual transgression. He thought he was being cute and securing his role as the suave latin dude but in the end it bit him in the ass. Hard lesson learned.
Now the selection process --
Whiteboy is the first to be picked.
Tango is next. I think Tango may be my pick.
Onyx up next.
Real is of course chosen.
Heat is chosen. So corny.
Bones is picked and says ''In the name of Jesus, I thank you.'' Um, okay.
Trendz is picked.
12-pack is chosen and gets to put the necklace on his tanned skin which is of course already on display.
Pootie is chosen.
Token is picked.
T-weed is picked and he looks a hot ghetto mess. He clearly picked up that suit at the slauson swapmeet on the way to the show.
Romance is picked. I guess NY fell for his sensitive shtick. His collar is up so high it's absurd. he cries at every instance. yeah, he's straight alright...
Rico is picked after NY explains she did some research and found out that he didn't mean what she thought. He's the only latin of the bunch so I guess he had to stay.
Mr. Boston is picked because NY likes a guy with ''big balls'' and digs the way he stood up to Chance. By the way he speaks to the camera, I have a sneaking suspicion that he wasn't chosen for ''The Apprentice'' and this show was casting down the street.
Chance is about to cry if he's not picked. haha. Wood is lookin' like, I'm so fine, what the hell. lol.
The last pick is..........................CHANCE. of course. Mom gets up and yells to high heavens that this can't go on. But it does.
Ace, Wood, Jersey, T-bone, and T-money were kicked off. Thank goodness we don't have to see T-bone's scary self and those eyes of his. Double yikes.
Moms leaves and says next time she sees them she hopes they look a lil better. The guys are just happy she's leaving. lol.
Chamo comes in with a tray full of champagne and they all toast. He's lookin' like a kid in a candy store. Awesome.
This season looks like it's gonna be even more entertaining than FOL. With less vomit-inducing kisses than those when Flav was the object of affection.
Bring it on. This is definitely must-see Monday night TV.
And Wood, Call me!
By KelleBelle
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